I was saving this song for the end because I knew I would feel it was more poignant to myself at the end of the year. 51 songs down and yes I'm having a crisis of faith. I was of the belief that my songs were good, that people would hear them and resonate with them, but I rushed it. I put out too many too fast and didn't give each song a time to percolate into the public consciousness. That's okay, the body of work is there, I can come back after they're all out and push the ones that did the best on social media. Anyone who discovers them and takes the time to dig a little deeper can be surprised by the depth of the catalogue.
Crisis of Faith is about exactly that a crisis of faith. I had quit smoking marijuana at the time that i wrote it and was feeling down. After 24 years of waking and baking going cold turkey was a shock to the system, anyone who says marijuana isn't addictive has never smoked as much for as long I guess. Sure you don't get the same withdraws as heroin or booze but you don't sleep or have an appetite for a couple of weeks. The hardest part for me is a lack of creativity and a lack of desire to play guitar, I know I can play I just don't feel as compelled to do it. So this song came about as an answer to that. It's just a crisis of faith and all it would take is just one hit to make it go away.
I got back on the program again shortly afterwards but I quit again. It's been almost a year of “sobriety" just a couple weeks shy, I'm not really sure I didn't keep track of the date but I could sure use a hit right now. I know it wouldn't take it all away but it would be a temporary escape from the tedium of life. How do regular people do it has been a question I have always asked. How do they keep going through their routine daily life and not ask isn't there something more than this. I guess I did too many drugs in my life not to question the quality or intensity of the experience, without them it's just day in and day out drudgery.
I was never a user of hard drugs, I always preferred psychedelics. I spent about two years taking mushrooms everyday. Four grams a day for two years and the two years prior I ate them a couple times a week and the years before that as often as I could. I took LSD once a week for years. Every Friday or Saturday I would drop one to four tabs and lay on the floor or in bed in front of the stereo and listen to records for hours, soaking in every note, every song, every album. It shaped my musical tastes, the selections that made it to the next week. It changed how I played and what I wrote. The new bench mark was how does this sound while I'm tripping, what does it project into my head, what movie does it make me see behind my eyelids. Eventually I gave up listen to other peoples music and just played my own. I let myself go to explore the raw sound through feelings, images and smells. It made me even more aware of the acute power of sound.
This track brings it all back to me. I recorded and released a very dark version of the song. It's slow and depressing and makes me wonder why I pursued this particular direction with it. I know it evokes a strong emotional response in me and that is what I like about music, the songs that make you feel something stronger than everyday life but I could have given it a touch of hope. I didn't even remember the song had a hopeful edge until I was playing back the rough demo versions of it. I might like it more that way, with a touch of hope. I'm going to post this blog with one of those more hopeful versions of it attached and you can hear it and then listen to the released version and tell me which you think is better. I guess that's the way it is with songs, they have a life of their own, there is no definitive version necessarily, just the version you as the listener resonate with the most. Probably why I am a fan of The Grateful Dead, they never people any song the same way twice, each time you heard it was like hearing it again for the first time.
Tell me which version of this song you like better, the bottom of the well desperation for another hit to make everything go away or the slightly more cheerful version that knows salvation is just one hit away.